If you have ever observed a husband and wife who have been in Target for over an hour, you know that marriage is hardly a bed of roses. Anybody who has been married for more than five minutes or who has had a real conversation with a married person will know this. Marriage is one of life’s greatest adventures, but it is also one of life’s greatest battles.
You’ve probably heard people spew platitudes like, “nothing worthwhile comes without a fight,” and while it’s cliche, it is especially true about matrimony.
There’s a conversation that often comes up in premarital counseling: Have you heard of this phenomenon called the honeymoon phase that occurs right after you get married? It’s when marriage is sunshine and rainbows and the only disagreement you’ll have will be about who loves the other person more and this phase generally lasts between two months and two years and then it gets tough. Are you prepared for what comes afterwards?
Yes, we nod. Yes, we know; yes, we are prepared. Marriage is hard but true love conquers all!
In every marriage there comes a point where priorities start to shift, whether for a very short period or for years. Kids are born and they take up an unbelievable amount of time. The bills have to be paid so we can no longer go on dates or afford a babysitter. She’s not paying enough attention to me so I find validation in my job. He doesn’t seem to love me anymore but my neighbour is so gentle–I wish I had married that guy instead. Sometimes the shift is a subtle undercurrent of dissatisfaction; sometimes it manifests itself in constant arguing or emotional distancing. Sometimes you still feel content but all you really are is roommates.
Not every marriage reaches a breaking point–but many do. Is this breaking point where the battle begins?
No. Yes, this is where it gets really, really hard. But no, because the fight begins the moment you stand at the altar and promise each other forever. Perhaps at this point you are not in the thick of it, but the battle begins immediately. The world is out to convince you that marriage is boring and stifles your sexuality and you’re probably never going to truly have fun again. The internet search browsers have incognito windows so you can avoid accountability and February 13th is unofficially Mistress Day because men have to spend the actual Valentine’s Day with their wives.
There’s little of the world that supports marriage and believes it is possible for lifelong monogamy to be congruent with contentment.
That is all said to reinforce what we already knew: Marriage is really, really hard. In fact, marriage is a war–but not against each other. Marriage is a war against selfishness, against discontentment and boredom and lack of grace and sin.
If marriage is a war you want to win, you can’t just idly watch and hope you come out on the right side of the divorce statistics. Waiting and hoping without action isn’t enough. Wars are not won by accident.
This was a great reminder for me today after watching the movie War Room, about fighting for your spouse and how God can fix broken marriages. God can fix any marriage, no matter how broken, but you will never end up with a victorious marriage by accident. Loving marriages do not simply fall into people’s laps with no effort or strategy.
How do you fight for your marriage? How do you strategize and prepare? I can’t tell you what your marriage needs but I can share with you 10 things my husband and I strive towards in our marriage.
- Pray. Pray unceasingly. Only God can fix matters of the heart.
- Don’t nag. This one is for me–there’s a lot I would love to change about my husband and I tell him far more often than he needs to hear it. And I usually don’t tell him nicely either. Huffing and puffing never solves anything.
- Go on regular dates/find intentional alone time. You won’t believe the difference it makes. If you struggle with this, check out my post on dating my husband again.
- Learn each other’s love languages. You might love receiving gifts and it’s nice to give your husband gifts but if he doesn’t care about gifts you should think about loving him in the ways that matter to him, not just to you.
- Priorities: God, marriage, kids, job. In that order. Consistently.
- Speaking of priorities, someone once told me, “When sex is good, it’s 10% of your marriage. When it’s bad, it’s 90% of your marriage.” This is true, often without us even realising it.
- Find a mentor. Ladies, find a wise older woman who you can talk to and pray with and who can share her wisdom with you. It is important for husbands to do the same.
- Also find accountability. In the digital age, there is no accountability and people aren’t just going to ask you out of the blue about your integrity. Find someone of your gender (perhaps the aforementioned mentor) and ask them to ask you about your marriage and prayer life and thought life and secret life. Then be honest with them, even when you mess up.
- Do things together. This doesn’t mean be attached at the hip, but for example: we bought an X-Box (oh the joy…) and we don’t play it unless we’re playing it together because we want to be intentional about spending time together. Even if one person enjoys doing said thing more than the other does.
- Ask your spouse how they’re really doing. And then listen. Don’t expect them to just tell you–I did this with my husband for many years and it rarely happened.
How are you prepared to fight for your marriage?
“To win the fight, you’ve got to have the right strategy and the right resources, because victories don’t come by accident.” -Miss Clara, War Room (2015)