This morning, the most gorgeous little girl was born to one of my dearest friends. She is absolutely perfect, and yet–

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

Months ago, she and her family were ready to move to Asia, to start a new life with a new job at a new school.

But the plane ride never happened, and as her family waited indefinitely, she prepared to change all her plans.

None of it was supposed to be like this–and this is not what any mother would ask for when growing a tiny life.

My son, too, made his arrival during the covid days. He was born at home in mid-March, when nobody understood the virus. Was my newborn at risk? My in-laws were traveling from Indonesia–was it safe for them to come? No one could say anything for sure.

The day my son was born, America was still somewhat normal. When he was one day old, covid was declared a pandemic. At three days old, states starting shutting down, stores closed. At four days, I started reading about masks and social distancing (what the heck was that?!) and by the time he was ten days old churches were closed, a stay at home order was in place, and many people genuinely thought if they went to the grocery store they might die. I was absolutely shocked at the change that had happened within the days since my son’s birth–it was a completely different world, and he was ten days old.

What a time to have a baby.

Since then, we’ve learned a lot. We’ve learned that children are not at risk, and elderly people or those with underlying conditions are. We’ve learned more about the death rate, and we’ve seen that hospitals are not overwhelmed. These days, there isn’t too much mystery surrounding covid–doctors have found ways to treat it and our immune systems are serving us well.

And yet, still, nothing is as it should be.

Mothers are being required to labor in masks, husbands are missing anatomy scans and important appointments, doulas and grandmothers are not allowed in delivery rooms, and mothers have even been separated from their babies after birth.

Dear mother, I understand if you are afraid. My son is one of the very first covid babies, and he was born at the time nothing was known.

And here’s what I can tell you from my story:

You will never get that brand new, fuzzy, sweet-smelling baby back.

Never.

And nobody else will either.

I believe we, as mothers, should decide based off our knowledge and what we know about our children, what is best for them. Stay home or live normally, take your newborn to church, avoid crowds, invite the grandparents to stay, show your baby off–mama, it is all your choice.

Learn everything you can, then choose what risks you are willing to take.

Where there is risk, there must always be a choice.

But remember, you will never get that brand new, fuzzy, sweet-smelling baby back.

The people closest to you won’t get your sweet newborn back either. Because my in-laws were traveling from Indonesia, they greatly debated whether or not they should come stay with us after my son was born, but they live in Asia–if they missed this, they wouldn’t meet their grandson until after he was walking.

They came for one glorious week, and I couldn’t be more thankful.

In the midst of it all, we lived life as normal while focusing on fresh air and boosting immune systems. I strapped that sweet newborn to my chest and I took my kids to the park and the grocery store and the amish market and I look back on seven months with my chubby boy and I know we didn’t waste a moment of it.

I researched risks, I learned as much as I could, and I made my choices.

That’s the best you can do, dear mama, in this time of conflicting information and lonely ultrasound appointments and isolation. The best that you can do is to make informed choices with confidence and then live to the fullest, whatever decision you make.

But there’s a flip side–the worst you can do is to make your decisions solely because you’re afraid. That’s not informed, and that’s how precious months of people’s lives are disappearing.

There will always be a what-if–always–and occasionally, better safe than sorry is appropriate. But not when it comes to wasting months of your life. The newborn days are some of the most wonderful of all, and if you don’t feel confident in a hospital delivery or keeping extended family at arm’s length or whatever it is, be empowered to do it differently! These days, homebirths are quickly increasing as a mother’s choice because she can be confident she will have everyone she needs around her, she will be safe and in control, she will be treated as a healthy human being, and she will get to stay with her baby.

Be empowered to birth at home or to say no to something that doesn’t make you feel safe or to take control of the health of you and your baby. Be empowered to not let covid take charge, regardless of how you choose to handle it.

Nothing is as it “should be”.

This is not normal.

The pressures and the sheer amount of new decisions and the risks and the isolation and not being allowed to have your husband by your side when seeing your doctor–none of it is normal.

You never expected to be having a baby this way.

It’s okay to be afraid, it’s okay to be heartbroken over what you’ve lost or has been taken away. It’s okay to be angry because this was not your plan. It’s okay to mourn and it’s okay to yearn for the community you should have. It’s okay to be completely overwhelmed by the decisions and information and because you no idea what the best way to handle anything is. And the waiting…can we just talk about the waiting? The waiting to move, the waiting for your business to open back up, to be able to send your older kids to school again, to travel, to go to the gym normally. Sometimes waiting plays the most mind games of all.

It’s okay to fall apart.

But in the midst of not feeling okay, do not let covid take away your life. Do not let covid take away this joy, or the sweet newborn snuggles or a delivery where you feel confident. Do not let fear take away relationships and do not let pressure force you to give up your control.

It doesn’t look like covid is going anywhere, but the snuggly, fuzzy newborn days? They’ll be gone before you know it. Do not deprive yourself of finding the joy in them, sweet mama.

And until your tiny bundle arrives, savor the moments. The days of sleeping in or spontaneous dates or only having one child or two or whatever stage of life you’re in now–you’ll be in a totally different stage soon! Such a wonderful stage but phew, what a change! Don’t let it slip away because of fear.

Come on, you’re expecting a baby during one of the weirdest and most chaotic times any of us can remember. Pretty much every part of this year has been stressful, and you’re supposed to sit back and relaaxxx when you’re pregnant–pfft! This was not the year for that.

Do you not think this makes you incredible??

Maybe others wonder how anyone could want to bring a baby into the world right now, but what I wonder is if we realize the vital importance we, as mothers, have in shaping the future. We are raising the next generation, and it is our wisdom and love and compassion and courage that will teach our babies to grow up and make this world even better.

Courage.

Have courage and be kind. If you walk through the rest of this pandemic with nothing else, you and the people around you will come out better.

What you are doing–carrying your child–is courageous, and you will be stronger for all of this.

To the mama expecting a baby during covid-19:

The pandemic could not have brought a more precious gift than your child.

And it could not have made a mother stronger than you.