I’ve had the last few days to chew on this grace issue. In reality, I’ve been chewing it on it for years, but the last few days I’ve been chewing particularly on how to translate my thoughts into words.
Here’s the deal: If you asked my husband about my track record with grace, he would probably tell you I still have much to learn. I don’t have a how-to list, and I certainly don’t have answers. I am a selfish, sinful human being with a short temper and a tendency to speak criticism before life.
My husband knows this best because he is the one who sees it most.
Even though he is the one I love most in the whole entire world, the worst of me still comes out at him–when I’m tired from chasing a baby around all day, when I’m hungry because I’ve been doing housework for hours and didn’t have the energy to make an extra meal for myself, when I’m frustrated that his boots tracked dirt on the newly swept floors again, when I’m impatient because I asked for help and didn’t get a response instantly–and often times I don’t even care. He married me; he gets to deal with it.
After all, if he would just keep the kitchen clean, I wouldn’t be overworked. If he would just offer to help, I wouldn’t have to nag. If he did things himself instead of asking for “favors”, I wouldn’t constantly be frustrated. If he just read my mind and was the perfect husband, then I would be the perfect wife.
At our church’s married couples Bible study last week, we watched a short video about staying in love and the lesson on responsibility went like this:
Mr. Mug (a mug filled with blue beads) and Mrs. Mug (filled with pink beads) met, he was crazy about her, they were careful with each other, and then they got married. About a month into their marriage, they had a bump and all this stuff came out (the beads). They wondered, where did all this stuff (the beads) come from?
“I didn’t know you had anger issues,” she said.
“Well I didn’t until you bumped me,” he replied. “If she would just quit bumping me like that I wouldn’t be so mad.”
And then she defends herself with, “Well, every time we get in an argument, you make me act that way.”
Mr. Mug thinks those blue beads (anger, yelling, withdrawing, whatever it is) keep coming out of him because they’re having conflict and Mrs. Mug thinks the same is happening to her because he keeps bumping her. But, in reality, the blue beads come out of Mr. Mug because that’s what is inside of him and the pink beads come out of Mrs. Mug because that’s what is inside of her. Check out the video; it makes more sense than I do.
I’m not angry and impatient and nagging and snappy because my husband makes me that way (although in all seriousness, dirt all over newly swept floors does legitimately contribute to insanity), I am that way because that is what is inside of me.
Around other people for short amounts of time, I have the self control to keep my own sinfulness under wraps, but at home I let down my barriers. In order to show our husbands grace, we must first recognize that the negative emotions he brings out of us are simply that–emotions that were already inside us.
When he makes plans without telling me and it makes me mad, it’s due to my need to be in control. Granted, it’s still inconsiderate, but he’s simply bringing out what was already inside of me. When he messes up the kitchen and I blow up at him, it’s because of my desire for unattainable perfection. Of course, it’s still loving for him to not make a huge mess, but the blow up comes from me and not him.
This is not to excuse the spouse’s behavior. It’s not a get out of jail free card–“Well he got angry because he has angry beads inside of him, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I decided to go out with my girlfriends and leave the baby with him without asking and blow half a paycheck on wine and retail therapy.” We all know our spouse’s buttons and we are all very adept at pushing them often and effectively. Having those buttons pushed again and again would make anyone mad, but that doesn’t change that the way we choose to respond is a reflection of what is in hearts.
Simply put, my lack of grace towards my husband shows my own impatience, my inflexibility, and my selfishness and need to be in control. It shows I am the sinner.
How does this help us show our husbands the grace they so dearly need? I’ll get to that.
When I asked my husband for input into how wives can show their husbands grace he immediately blurted out one word: communication. Such an easy word to write in a blog post…so much more challenging to put into practice. It’s so obvious but yet still such a huge issue.
His example of what I can say to him when I’m struggling with grace went something like this, “Hey, babe, today the kid almost killed himself and burned down the house twice and I didn’t get a single thing done off my to do list so I really need you to help me out tonight.“
Men need to be needed. Oh, and they can’t read our minds. It might be written all over our faces and we could basically be telling them, but feelings and guessing games are not a man’s song suits and just because we might be able to pick up the not-so-subtle hints doesn’t mean that he can. My husband is darn good at reading my emotions, but sometimes he checks out and doesn’t pay attention. That’s hurtful but instead of feeling hurt and shutting down, I need to tell him. Show him grace by not making him guess and then punishing him when he gets it wrong or fails to guess at all.
Let’s backtrack a paragraph–men and women need different things and one of men’s primary needs is to simply be needed. This is what happens when I get overwhelmed: I turn into a mad whirlwind of activity and when my husband walks through the door I say hi and brush past him and run around like a crazy person trying to do a million things at once. Sometimes he asks if I need help; sometimes he doesn’t. When he asks I say no, and when he doesn’t offer I don’t ask because I am a strong, independent women who is entirely capable of running a house alone.
My husband told me that if I just asked for help because I needed him (“Babe, I’m completely overwhelmed and I need some help. I would really appreciate if you would come help me cut the veggies for dinner,” instead of an exasperated, “Babe, can you please get off your phone already and come cut the carrots?”) he would be so happy to help me. It would fill his own need for me to need him, and then his emotional needs are met and the carrots are cut. Hello, that is a total win-win! Sometimes he will communicate back with, “I had a terrible day at work and I really need to sit down right now,” and then we show grace by simply saying okay.
Communicate–don’t make your husband guess and ask him for help because you need him, not because you’re mad that he’s checked out while you’re working your butt off.
Wives, there are also times communication needs to wait. Times when your husband does something foolish and irresponsible and you ask him about it and he just goes, “oh shoot, sorry.”
For me, this is the wrong time for communication. My husband sees the look on my face and he wants to know what I’m thinking.
You want to know what I’m thinking?! I’ll tell you exactly what I think about you and what you did, you little…
Yeah, not the best time. Expressing our frustration and communicating about the issue is important, but when all we can think about is that our husband makes financial decisions like a three year old, or that we basically could have married a thoughtless high school freshman for the amount of responsibility he shows, or that being a single parent would have been less work (you get the point) that is not the time to share your thoughts. Your feelings of frustration and disappointment will pass, but your inconsiderate words expressed in anger will remain in his memory.
Sometimes he might act like a three year old–sometimes I act like a three year old too– but those are the times we need to take a step back and make a list of all the ways our husbands have acted responsibility, or been considerate, or whatever the character trait is that he just failed to demonstrate. Write the list down because otherwise it is all too easy for the negative memories to replace the good ones in a second. Counting your blessings may sound like a cliche but it’s repeated often for a good reason–it works.
I make it sound so simple when I write it down in a blog post, but I know it’s incredibly hard. I am literally struggling with it this very second and it is hugely challenging to think back on all the ways my husband has made so many good choices in a particular area after a failure.
I dare you to get over your hurt and frustration and have the emotional and mental control to choose grace. In Christianity, grace is the unmerited favor of God towards man. It is also the unmerited favor of man towards man. Key word: unmerited. Not deserved. We very rarely feel like giving someone something they don’t deserve, but that’s the whole point of grace. God gave me freedom and a million other blessings and I sure didn’t do much to deserve that; it’s what makes grace beautiful. You don’t have to minimize clueless actions or intentional ones, but you also don’t have to respond in a way that reflects his actions. Grace happens when you’re showing love to a person you don’t feel like loving. When you’re patient with a person who makes you want to pull your hair out.
Your husband needs grace. You need grace. I need grace. Your kids need a whole lot of grace.
Showing grace to your husband means that he won’t be scared of the lecture and belittlement he might receive if he makes a mistake. There are consequences to mistakes, yes, but your nagging or blowing up at him won’t teach him anything except to hide what he did wrong. I know I am guilty of doing this to my husband often, but I want to be a place he can come to when he messes up where he’s safe rather than a place he comes to and gets a lecture.
What beads are inside of your metaphorical mug? Focus on changing your beads, not your husband. Focus on how your husband has maybe bought two things for himself in months because you’re spending a boatload of money on essential oils and how selfless he is to be okay with that instead of how he went out with friends and spent $20 too much (possibly a true story…) Focus on the root of what you’re feeling instead of the anger bubbling on the surface. Focus on being a safe place for him to come home to instead of being his mom.
Maybe spend some time thinking about all the ways your husband has shown you grace you don’t deserve too.
It’s hard, y’all–nobody is pretending otherwise. But your marriage it worth it, and most of all your husband is worth it. Living brilliantly means being a shining light–to stand out, you must be different.
Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave. -Martin Luther
Read the first part of this post, Showing Grace to the Clueless Husband part I, here.